Hello, this is an episode Regular Features. Please remain seated until your group number is called. In this episode, Log's friend Wolf Blitzer dispenses with his unruly cats. Matt dispenses playground justice. Steve dispenses a helicopter into a mountain. Joe dispenses a lost Elvis Presley recording.…

In this episode, Log gets a cease and knock-it-off from the estate of a former member of house of the England parliament of the member of the right honourable house of members of the house... in Britain! And Steve's friend has been rubbing shoulders with stars on a barge. Barge stars! Legal threats! What more can we give? We're doing our best!!…

Horpen up your gorp and slorp it orp, friend, it's a new episode of Regular Features, the podcast that just won't stop. If we stop doing it, we die!In this episode, Steve experiences a sensory deprivation tank. Log's friend visits a mysterious horny island. And Joe translates opera for our swine-ears, our uncultured hog-brains. Meep.…

Autoglass repair? Okay cool, yeah I'm into this. I'm buying what you're selling. I'm picking up what you're putting down. A repaired windshield, well who could say no to that? What a deal! My beautiful original windshield, restored to its former glory, the idea delights my heart! What's that?! Autoglass REPLACE?! Well hold on just a minute!!!In thi…

It's another episode of Regular Features, the podcast named "top result" by Spotify when you search for Regular Features in the podcasts section.In this episode, Steve writes an entirely original screenplay for an action movie. Joe dives deep into the horrid curse of the Kennedys. And Log, god love him, Log is simply standing there while this whole…

Uptown girl? Yeah, last I heard she's been living in that uptown world. At least that's what everyone's been saying. Apparently she comes home at all hours of the night, stinking of uptown. What's uptown? Not much town, what's up with you!!!In this episode, Joe gets a visit from the enigmatic creator of the new social media network Bluesky, Steve i…

Readers! No! Get away from that. You can't have that, it's poison. It's poison to readers. You wouldn't like it.In this episode, Steve got a mpox jab, Joe got a birthpaper, and Log starts sleeping in his talk. Wow.Regular Features

We do our best, and so do you. Good. Good you!!!In this episode, Steve talks frankly too much about his trip to America. And Log embarks on a mission to be "read out" on the radio.Regular Features

We can't keep meeting like this!!In this episode, Joe wonders what would happen if you did a wet space in orbit. Log ponders on Andrew Tate's beautiful penis. Steve recounts the time we went to the Olympics... and won!Regular Features

Knock knock, open wide, see what's on the other side. Knock knock, any more, come with me through the magic door... of Regular Features!In this episode, Log finds out once and for all who dogs love the most, then reveals some behind-the-scenes gossip about the hit new videogame Thank Goodness You're Here. Steve addresses the Simmons in the room.…

And where do you think you've been these past four weeks? Think you can come slinking back into our lives like nothing's happened? That things would be the same again? Well you're right, and we forgive you. But DON'T let it happen again.In this episode, Log catches up with people we've agony aunted, Joe devises some cool new tech for food, and Stev…

I scream. You scream. We all scream. And for what? What was the point of all that screaming? This ice cream? This lowly creeeaam? Pfft. I don't see what's so great about this ice cream that you're all screaming wild about it. Here, let me taste some. Oh... oh wow... AARGGRGHHHHHH.In this episode, Steve gets all ringed up. Joe learns the secrets of …

Wets here! Get your wets. Fresh wets. Only the finest wets. Just came in this morning. Low low prices. Affordable wets for the family. You sir, want wets? Well you can't have one. No wets for you. Don't even look at my wets.In this episodes, Log meets a yummy mummy. Joe meets a juice fanatic. And Steve overhears the pope dropping some f-bombs near …

Excuse us, we got hoovered into a big tornado but we're back now.In this episode, Joe does a feature all about Steve's stag do. Log does a feature all about Steve's stag do. And Steve, well you'd never guess, but he does a feature about a time cop.Regular Features

This week Matt, Steve and Gav drank precisely 4 pints of lager and got into a room to record a podcast together. What is this, 2013??Regular Features

If you don't know what we're talking about in your episode, that's actually on you, because you haven't done the research. Joe's discussing his very personal view on a smash hit television series everyone except Log and Steve has hopefully seen. Log, meanwhile, hopes you're au fait with a 1970s album that DOESN'T include Diana Ross. Steve stand, bl…

JUMP! For my love. JUMP IN! And feel my touch. Please, wife, you have to jump now before it's too late. The cruise ship is sinking and this is the last lifeboat. If you don't jump, I'll float away and you'll be left to drown alone on that cursed boat. So, if you want to taste my kisses in the night, or ever again, my sweet love, then... JUMP!In thi…

"Stop, Children, what's that sound?"Let me stop you right there, Buffalo Springfield, because I think I know the answer to this one. "That sound" is Episode 562 of Regular Features. And you know what? It very nearly wasn't. This is an unusual episode, in that it survived the total post-recording elimination of one participant, "Log", thanks entirel…

Well, I ate the whole thing. Shrug emoji!In this episode, Joe brings us to the aid of an ailin' 'n' flailin' maestra flautist, Gav discovers a hidden side effect of jelly boy bonification, and Steve delves deep into the Regular Features agony auntsack.Regular Features

Did you know that the famous advertising slogan "got milk?" was almost something very different? Originally the tagline for milk was going to be "gimme da heffer wets, brother", until a marketing executive decided the phrase was too long to be coherently burped into a mother's face after downing the last pint of refreshing milk, straight from the f…

We're back! Sorry we've been away for a while, it's because we are actually dead now. Yeah we died. Sorry!In this episode, Matt sees a waxy head in a box. Steve shares a special moment with Jedward near some garlic. And Log tastefully designs each of our funerals. We'll be back with regular episodes from exactly now on. PLEASE. YOU MUST FORGIVE.…

Joe and Gav are now fully fledged magicians and they took their latest trick to the Blackpool Magic Convention to see if they could fool some fellow conjurers.Regular Features

We can't keep meeting like this.In this episode, Joe finally brings Great British advertising to the hallowed American Superbowl. Log slips into a Helen-inspired reverie. Steve reads an excerpt from Bradley Wigginseses autobiography.Regular Features

Here at Regular Features, we like to barge our way through old hotel doors and stumble into the room to find nothing but an open window and a fluttering curtain, then saying "he's gone", before YOU, our trusty sidekick, spots a hat on the hatstand and says "well wherever he's gone.. he's not wearing his hat". That's just how we like to do things, a…

They say you can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter, but I once saw a Kwik Fit fitter walk through a plate glass window in Letchworth Garden City. If that's honestly the best we've got, we might as well surrender to Belgium tomorrow and be done with it.In this TRAVEL SPECIAL episode, Gav is bulled off a swing, Log takes a much needed vacation to S…

Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like.In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats.…

Can YOU guess a guy? Find out in this week's episode! While you come up with your answers, here's what else: Log reflects on turning 50. Steve has a poem to say at you. Matt's thought of one thousand baby names. And Joe does the guessing of a guy.Regular Features

We love you readers. Happy new year.Regular Features

If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap lik…

This is a public service announcement. Thousands of horses die needlessly giddy every year. That's why you should always tell your horse to "giddy down" after it's done giddying up. Around the world today, countless horses are locked in a heightened state of giddy, having been recklessly told to "giddy up" by their enthusiastic riders, but never ha…

Oh, don't go into that cupboard. Don't you dare open *that* cupboard. You won't like what we keep in *that* one. Oh no, no, no. That's where we keep the features. You oughtn't spill any of those. What if you got Joe's impression of Ronnie O'Sullivan all down the lino? What if you drank a bit of Gav's journeys with a confusing taxi driver? And what …

If you have the hiccups, here is a tried and tested method for ridding yourself of the condition, cited by over one hundred old wives.1. Stand on a railway arch2. Listen to episode 548 of Regular Features3. Marvel at Joe's loving obliteration of The Americans4. Quickly write down the URL of Steve's new favourite charity5. Stifle a gasp at Log's man…

When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum total of your life achievements, the only thing your children will inherit when you die of hammer-related injuries, is a hammer?…

Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads.I…

In this episode, Steve tells the terrifying tale of a coupla big city teenage dirtbags who finally get what's coming to them. Log learns the exact sequence of verbs and nouns that makes Thorin Oakenshield cradle you in his greasy dwarf arms in classic ZX Spectrum text adventure The Hobbit (1982), thereby cracking a four decade old puzzle that would…

This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show! Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing by watching the video version on our YouTube channel. WE can fix the other thing by kicking off with the sound guy. Listen to the podcast! https://regular…

In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically.(They're call jet bridges, I looked it up. Jet bridges! Like Jeff Bridges' cooler, more articulated brother. Hello, I'm Jet Bridges. If you …

Shopping list:- 2 beans- 2 kilos Freddos- A egg- One feature about a traffic stop in Candyland- One feature where Wolf Blitzer can identify Friends episodes- One feature that is a poorly hidden pretext for us having YOUR house- A another egg"NewsSting" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://…

You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts. That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is calling "Actual Micro-Features". It's like we are feature Scarfaces, and the features are the bullets, and you are an entir…

You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg.But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face i…

I'm hungry so this will be a short description. In this one, Joe fixes some (very) badly behaving dogs. Steve invite us for a sleepover with "the king of cool" Mister Dean Martin. Log observes us from afar using a telescope.I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry helpRegular Features

You can keep your Emily Maitlises and your Frost/Nixons, because Regular Features is finally pivoting to hot hot politics. In fact, we are the only politics podcast that doesn't have a Krishnan Guru-Murthy constantly riding around on an electric scooter in the background, and that's a Regular Features promise.In this episode, Log introduces us to t…

This episode is dedicated to the legendary broadcaster Michael "Champ" Parkinson, whom we love. Joe processes his grief with a feature about Lord Fauntleroy, Steve deals with his emotions by securing some much needed funding from a cruise company. Gav projects his feelings of anger on to a smoking neighbour.This episode is sponsored by Cunard Cruis…

Hey, you know how a demure Helen O'Connell asks Dean Martin how he likes his eggs in the morning (in the hit song "How D'ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning"), and how it should be pretty obvious to everybody that she's coyly inviting him to stay the night?But then a horny and oblivious Dean Martin keeps replying with "I LIKE MINE WITH A KISS" and "RE…

bushel [ˈbʊʃ(ə)l]NOUN, BRITISHA measure of capacity equal to 8 gallons (equivalent to 36.4 litres), used for corn, fruit, liquids, etc. Definitely NOT just a small bush.de Groot [də кнrōt′]NAME, DUTCHThe sexiest group of adventurers, inventors, sportspeople and all-round hotpot yummydaddies in all of western Europe and possibly THE GLOBE. Get a loa…

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was letting Joe smell the well again, putting a picture of a transparent mouse in front of Steve, and giving Log unprecendented access to the private communiqués of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. Oo that Devil, he's got a nerve on him, I'd like to truss him up and say, "try doing that again, Satan, when you'…

In this episode of Regular Features, Log's been playing the hip new rocket propelled grenade Final Fantasy 16. Steve's been caught dumping aspartame into all your favourite sugar free drinks. And Joe's found a prudish new sponsor who'll take us from curse... to worse!Regular Features

If you can't handle me at my hurdy, you don't deserve me at my gurdy.In this one, Steve heads underwater to discover treasures untold. Joe comes head to head with a devil baby. Log submits his video will.Regular Features

Who wants to hear a podcast about a gym botherer and a towel muncher? And also with a dash of tooth lover??Regular Features

Left with a Succession-shaped void where his guts and arse used to be, Joe takes the hit HBO series to the West End where it always belonged. And Log puts the "fancier" into "yeah your pigeon's pretty fancy I guess, but mine is fancier. Hey wait, is that man riding a Shire horse over there? Come back, I have a comparison to make with you! Giddy up …