Gary Noesner – It's Not About the Nail; Lessons in Listening From a Hostage Negotiator

Emotional Balance Sheet with Paul Fenner

How can you link hostage negotiating with building better relationships with your family, spouse/partner, and kids? How can you keep your emotions in check when situations become intense?

Gary Noesner spent over 30 years in the FBI, ten of which were as the Chief Crisis Negotiator. A few of you may know Gary from the Netflix series Waco, as Gary was one of the negotiators between the FBI/ATF and religious cult, the Branch Davidians, in Waco, TX.

From dealing with highly intense situations, Gary has turned his experience and expertise into helping people build better relationships through active listening. The ability to respond to someone shows that you were indeed listening.

Gary uses M&M candy on how to do this. Consider that in every conversation you have with somebody, the chocolate center is the story, what are they trying to tell you, while the outer shell of the candy is the reflection of emotion, how are they feeling.

From Gary's perspective, the cornerstone of being a good listener and communicator is self-control. Think of a teeter-totter; when emotions are high, our rational behavior goes down. So, we must focus on our emotions and lower our temperature when situations become tense.

Please enjoy my conversation with Gary Noesner.

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