Uncovering Hidden Loyalties: Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage

Collitalks ”Transformative Conversations”

Hi, it's Colli from Colli Talks and from Your Gift is Inside Your Wounds, but also from ColliTalks, Transformative Conversations. It's been a while, but things are in motion. A lot of great guests coming on. Oh, I can't wait to share them with you. It's all progressive and very exciting.

But today, I wanted to talk a little bit about, well, the work I do with systemic trauma and family constellations, but focusing on one subject, and that is self-sabotage and hidden loyalties. You know, what I've learned so far in my journey of self-discovery and working with individuals in seminars, is a profound truth. And that is, self-sabotage is rarely, and I mean rarely, a random act of self-destruction. Most people don't want to self-destruct. So instead, it's often rooted in unconscious loyalties, loyalties to the suffering of those who came before us.

You know, loyalties may bind us to the struggles of our parents, grandparents, parents or even further back in the line of our ancestors, the lineage. And this is all subconscious. We don't know this is going on. So sometimes we are carrying the emotional weight of past generations, whether it's trauma from wars, loss, or even grief that our ancestors endured. I'm going to give you an example. I did myself a session where something was really. Bothering me. And I really had to go deep inside and look at this. And as I found out, it was that I was carrying grief. And it wasn't my grief. It was my mom's grief and my grandmother's grief from the loss of my grandfather, my mom's father and my grandma's husband. And his name happened to be John. Interestingly enough, my first love and best friend forever, who has since passed on, his name was John. So there was grief for me there as well. And then another partner I had, his name was John. And so there was a lot of unresolved grief that I had from my relationships with these men called John. And the big segue was my mom's and my grandmother's grief that I was also carrying. So this is how important this work is.

You know, there's a subconscious belief that if we allow ourselves to be happier or healthier than they were, we could be betraying their memory, their pain. And this loyalty holds us back from reaching our full potential, trapping us in cycles of self-sabotage. And so in order to find and uncover these hidden loyalties, self-sabotage patterns, one needs to work with a trained hidden loyalty detective, which I am. So, and this is how I ended up doing this work is because I always wanted to be a detective and I I never thought I was going to be a detective of this kind of work, but yeah, Let's take a reflection point here.

Ask yourself, dear father, dear mother, smile upon me kindly if I have the courage to be happier than you. And then feel what arises when you say those words. Does it bring discomfort or fear? Does it feel like you're betraying the suffering of those who came before you? These feelings are often at the core of our self-sabotaging behaviors. Now, I have a challenge for you. When we become aware of these loyalties, we can transform them. Instead of being loyal to suffering, we can choose to honor our family's struggles by living fully and joyfully. So this is where the shift begins from loyalty to pain to loyalty to growth.

Now, another significant aspect of self-sabotage I've encountered is perfectionism. And oh, do I know this one. And many of us believe we are never good enough, but we are. And this belief halts our progress because we fear falling short of perfection. We stop ourselves even before we begin sometimes. So perfectionism is simply another form of self-sabotage form. You know, it's masking itself as ambition. So my invitation to you this week is here's what I invite you to consider today. Where in your life are you holding yourself back due to unconscious loyalties or a fear of imperfection? What would it look like to let go of the need for everything to be perfect and instead embrace your growth? Even if it's messy because it is going to be messy. But messy is a good thing because we can always clean it up.

So take action. Throughout this week, I encourage you to sit with this question. What am I being loyal to? Something or someone that is no longer serving me? And reflect on what comes up for you and challenge yourself to take one small step toward releasing these old patterns. Whether it's finishing a project you've been too afraid to even start or allowing yourself to experience joy despite the past like I was, know that this step will open doors to new possibilities.

And remember, this is the work that I'm so passionate about and do with individuals and seminars. And you never know where I'm going to show up, just like I did today with regards to doing this podcast. So soon, and I mean very soon, there will be new releases, and those releases will be very, very enlightening for you. So have a wonderful, absolutely wonderful week, and I will talk to you very soon. Lots of love and soul hugs.