FF: Marriage Lie: A Plethora of Porn Lies

The Generous Husband

A quick list of porn related lies:

Porn is no big deal. Porn changes how a man thinks and feels about sex, which is a big deal. Because porn tends to be unrealistic and often shows things no woman could enjoy, this reprogramming is bad for your wife. Dr. Douglas Weiss, author of Sex, God and Men, says, “Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases – a person, image or object – will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object. I call it ‘Sex Glue.’” A much scarier side of this is “porn induced impotence” which has rapidly gone from a ridiculous claim to something anyone dealing with men’s sexuality is hearing from a growing number of men. This “condition” is the inability to have or keep an erection without the use of porn. Other men can get and keep an erection, but can’t climax without porn. This issue, a result of the abundance of Internet porn, leaves men unable to have sex with a real woman. This is happening to men even in their 20s, and it has scared some of them away from porn. Secular groups have sprung up on the Internet where men discuss this and encourage each other to avoid porn. While this is an extreme situation, it shows how real the danger is.

Wives drive men to use porn by… This is “The devil made me do it”, except the wife is blamed. A man who blames his wife for his porn use is not ready to stop. A man who is ready to stop will accept responsibility for his actions, and will choose to change no matter what his wife does or does not do.

A wife’s actions (or inactions) have no effect on a man’s porn use. This is the other side of the above, and also a lie. How can both of these be lies? Because the truth is, we do influence our spouse. She can’t cause him to use porn, but she can put him into a place where he is more easily tempted, or take him to a place where he is less easily tempted. The second seems loving, the first wrong and harmful to the marriage in general. (I realise it’s not easy, and I get the harm porn use does to a woman.)

His porn use only hurts her because she lets it. It hurts her because it communicates something unloving and painful to her. It causes her to question her body, her sexuality, her relationship with her husband, his love for her, and their marriage as a whole.

Men and women see porn use differently because their minds work differently. Her reaction is not “logical” to him because he doesn’t see it as she does. Most women find it difficult or impossible to separate sex and relationship/love, so porn use is not just about sex, it is an assault on the marriage relationship. Porn use says “I don’t really love you” and it says it LOUDLY!

His porn use means… It doesn’t mean most of what a woman thinks it means. She is making valid connections for how her mind works, but not for how his does. Most men find it possible, easy, or even natural to separate sex and relationship/love. So, when he says porn is “just about sex” he means it. That doesn’t make it right, or excuse it, but it does mean his porn use is not sending messages about his love, or how he feels about his sex life. Because of how men’s brains are wired, porn grabs our eyes, and gives us pleasure. This is automatic and instantaneous. Porn gives a quick boost, almost like a drug. It can push aside sadness, fear, worry, anger, loneliness, and more. Sometimes porn use is more about what is pushes aside than sex.

Porn use is adultery. While you can make a case for this, the problem is when a woman uses this as a reason to refuse sex. If porn is to be treated just like adultery, then it needs to be treated JUST LIKE adultery. Would she put up with frequent adultery for years, or would she leave (as is her biblical right)? Using porn as a reason to refuse sex, but not really treating it as you would adultery with a flesh and blood woman, is dishonest and manipulative. (And no, I don’t know how a woman can stand to have, much less enjoy, sex with a man who is looking at porn, especially if he is making no effort to stop.)

Once a man has been into porn, he is never really free. I have a theological problem with that; I read that Christ is able to set us free. What’s more, I have seen this attitude do bad things to men. If he buys this, then clicking a link he knows might lead to porn is not his fault, it’s the fault of whoever put the link in his path. I have also seen men who buy into this become rabid legalists about women being “modest” and taking it to bizarre extremes. If a woman does not meet his level of modesty, and he lusts, it’s really her fault (and he feels less wrong).

I’m pretty sure Jesus could not have been made to sin by placing a naked woman in His path. I realise He is not your average guy, but if He could avoid sin in such a situation, then so can we, in Him. It is a goal and a process, but we can stop being dragged into sin by every less than fully covered woman we pass. Don’t you think God wants us to be able to walk down the street in the summer without falling into sin over and over? That said…

A man can look at porn and not be affected. We are wired to be aroused by nudity, and even if we learn to limit/control our physical and mental reactions to nudity, we are still affected. We get aroused, which puts us in a place of greater temptation, and it is never wise to stay in such a place. The man who thinks he can go where ever and look at whatever is neither strong nor wise.

Bottom line: Porn is not what we’ve been told, and it is a big deal. Porn has no place in a couple’s sex life, which includes being in front of his eyes or in his mind.

[This post first appeared Aug 28, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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The post FF: Marriage Lie: A Plethora of Porn Lies first appeared on The Generous Husband.