303 How to Handle Conflict: Choosing Healing, Honor, and Hope Over Retaliation

Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Bengtson podcast

Episode Summary:

We've all had moments where we look back on a conflict, shake our heads, and think, why did I handle it that way?

With three decades of ministry experience, Donna Jones has had a front-row seat to--and been in the middle of--all kinds of conflict and she understands the regret, guilt, heartache, and hurt conflict can produce. But she also knows it's possible for God to use those chaotic, painful moments and turn them into opportunities for better connection with those around us.

Whether you are dealing with daily disagreements or occasional blowups, our discussion on how to handle conflict will offer you a new paradigm, one where you learn how to honor God when you've been hurt, communicate when you'd rather retaliate, and move toward others when it seems easier to run away.

Have you ever looked back on a conflict and wished you'd handled it better? Donna Jones shares wisdom on how to handle conflict with humility, communicating effectively, and honoring God in tough moments. Learn how to turn conflict into an opportunity for growth and connection.

Quotables from the episode:

• Conflict actually serves as a platform for personal development.
• During that difficult season, I had to come to terms with something. I would have nodded and given an intellectual ascent to this truth that I'm about to say, but I didn't yet have to really live it. And that is that you cannot change another person. You can only change yourself.”
• You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself.
• I need to stop focusing and obsessing over the other people and start really assessing myself and how I'm dealing with this, that's when breakthroughs started to happen.
• I grew in my relationship with the Lord because I really got to the point where I had to invite God into this and just say, God, this hurts. I invite you into this pain. I had to search the scriptures and go, I can't do anything about them, but I am responsible for handling my side of the to your word.
• Even in the worst-case scenario, when there's not reconciliation in a conflict, there can be personal growth. Because you surrender and you start to go, okay, Lord, I, this is where I really am putting my faith into practice in the really hard stuff of life.
• What is the single most important quality necessary for handling conflict in a healthy way? And why is that important? There actually is one single thing that if this piece is missing, you cannot handle conflict in a healthy way. It's that important. And interestingly, Michelle, you brought up Romans 8:28. God causes all things together for the good, for those who love him, for those who are called according to his purpose, but Romans 8:29 is, for whom those he foreknew, he predestined to become conformed to the image of Christ. So how he works things out is he causes us to be more Christ -like. And that one quality that you cannot handle conflict well without is humility. And that's the mark of Jesus.
• Humility does not make us a doormat for exploitation. It makes us a doorway for conversation. You can still be angry and be humble. You can still speak your mind and voice your thoughts, feelings, and opinions, and be humble, right? You can still have boundaries and be humble, because biblically, humility is strength restrained. So, it comes from a place of strength. It doesn't come from a place of weakness. And see, when I allow myself just to be humiliated, that comes from a place where I don't have a voice. I don't have, you know, it's a place of weakness, not strength. But if I am choosing to be humble, that is me making a choice to restrain myself.
• "At its root, all conflict is really a power struggle." So, think about that, whether it's your toddler or your teenager or your teammate at work, when there's conflict at its root, it's really a power struggle, right? So, who's gonna get their way? Whose voice gets heard? Whose opinion is validated? Who, you know, it's a power struggle.
• So, what ends up happening is that when conflict escalates, we're vying for power. You know “you listen to me. No, you listen to me. No, you listen to me. No, no, no, you listen to me, right?” It escalates. This is why that humility is like the key because humility doesn't play the power game. Humility takes the escalation and it deescalates it and that's why it is the superpower for handling conflict.
• There's a sweet spot in the middle where we're not avoiders or not attackers. We are addressers. And these are the people who actually go, okay, this is conflict. Avoiding it is not going to make it go away. It's still going to be there and it's still going to be eating me up inside.
• Here’s one that most people don’t think of, but it's particularly lethal, and that's being dismissive. So when another person approaches us with a concern, when we say things like, “again? like, oh my gosh, why are you making this such a big deal? Like, just get over it. Like, you're such a drama queen.” Or we roll our eyes, even though we're listening and we're nonverbally, that is basically saying, “I don't care about you, I care about me.” If that is not the precursor to destruction of a relationship, I don't know what it is because when we are dismissive of another person's concern, we're basically disregarding them and it's disrespecting them and you cannot have a relationship with disrespect.
• Don’t be dismissive. I would say that's a no -no. And then number two, I would think, is the way we apologize. And sometimes we think, “why do I have to be the first one to apologize?”
• Worrying about who goes first or, and this is just as destructive: is to apologize, but add the word “but.” “I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings but you know you…” and then because what that was really saying is the whole fault is yours, I would never have done what I did if you didn't do first what you did and while sometimes that's true that doesn't go far in healing or reconciliation and it certainly doesn't show humility.
• Also, don't say, “I'm sorry you feel that way.” That is not an apology, because I'm not owning anything I did.
• Somebody has to go first. Why not me, right?
• It seems like through this conversation, the word that keeps coming to mind is “honor.” Conflict doesn't usually honor another person. It stirs up pain and accusation which produces resentment and guilt and remorse and all the things. Honor doesn't mean that you agree with them. It doesn't mean that you don't have your own side and your own justification. Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what drives so much of conflict is we feel like we're dismissed, we're not seen, or not heard and that's what stirs us up to more conflict.
• We want to be understood so the faster we can say oh we don't have to agree with it but like, "Oh, I understand why you would feel that way." then it makes the other person feel acknowledged and seen, and it takes this escalation that's happening with the power struggle, 'cause the person's saying, "Please understand me, "please understand me, please understand me." And all of a sudden, it just tones it down, right? This does not mean that we don't have a voice and that we don't also say our perspective, or our opinions, but it's the way we do it is with honor, honoring the other person. And that's the difference.
• Whenever I have to have a hard conversation, I pray this, “Lord, let this be a conversation of three, not two.” That's a game changer. So, I would say that's number one. Just “Lord, let this be a conversation of three, you and me and the other person, not just two. “

Scripture References:

• Proverbs 15:18 A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.
• Romans 8:28-30 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who i have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
• Hebrews 12:14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

Recommended Resources:

• Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: A Biblical Guide for Communicating Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions with Grace, Truth, and Zero Regrets By Donna Jones
• Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
• The Hem of His Garment: Reaching Out to God When Pain Overwhelms by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
• YouVersion 5-Day Devotional Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms
• Today is Going to be a Good Day: 90 Promises to Start Your Day Off Right by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the AWSA 2023 Inspirational Gift Book of the Year Award, the Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in four categories, and the Christian Literary Awards Henri Award for Devotionals
• YouVersion 7-Day Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day
• YouVersion 7-Day Devotional, Today is Going to be Another Good Day
• Breaking Anxiety’s Grip: How to Reclaim the Peace God Promises by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
• Breaking Anxiety’s Grip Free Study Guide
• Free 7-Day YouVersion Bible Reading Plan for Breaking Anxiety’s Grip
• Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader’s Choice Award
• Hope Prevails Bible Study by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader’s Choice Award
• Trusting God Through Cancer 1
• Trusting God Through Cancer 2
• Revive & Thrive Women's Conference
• Subdue Stress and Anxiety: Fifteen Experts Offer Comprehensive Tools in Ten Minutes a Day. Use my link plus discount code BENG99 to save $90 on course (course will be $99.)
• Free Download: How To Fight Fearful/Anxious Thoughts and Win

Social Media Links for Host and Guest:

Connect with Donna Jones:

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For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:

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Guest:

Donna Jones is a national speaker, church planter, pastor’s wife, and self-described “Bible-explainer” who has spoken in 26 states and four continents. A graduate of UCLA with a degree in interpersonal communications, she hosts the weekly “That’s Just What I Needed” podcast, and is the author of “Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: A Biblical Guide for Communicating Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions with Grace, Truth, and Zero Regrets.” Donna is passionate about equipping others to know, love, and follow God in their real, everyday lives. She wants to know, love, and follow God this way herself. She and her husband, JP Jones, make their home in Southern California.

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson

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