#47: Cooking for Love, with Chef Raf and Toni

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Cooking together -- or cooking for one another -- can be a great way to connect. Chef Raf and Toni share their tricks for how to express your love in the kitchen. Whether you're in a committed relationship, you're dating, you have kids or other family, or you have roommates, this episode has something for everyone.

With three decades of professional culinary experience, Rafael has graced the kitchens of Michelin-starred restaurants, luxury hotels, five-star resorts, and private estates. Alongside his wife Toni, an experienced event planner, cooking and hosting dinners together at home has been the binding force that continues to unite them in their marriage.

Learn more about Chef Raf and Toni's cooking classes:

https://chefrafaelgonzalez.com/date-night

On Instragram: https://www.instagram.com/chef.rafael.gonzalez/

Karin’s website: www.drcalde.com

Karin on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach/

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

Episode:

[00:49] Karin: Hello, everybody. Today is my 47th episode and I've got one more to go. A solo episode next week before the end of my first season. So I'm pretty proud of that and excited about what's to come for next season and a few changes that I'm going to make. And I'll tell you about that next time. But I wanted to do a little something different for this episode, and I have two guests today. They're a married couple, chef Raf and Toni. And they have a background in cooking and teaching. They are not relationship experts, but they bring to us something new and something fun that I think really anyone can benefit from. You don't even really have to be in a relationship to get something out of this episode because they do teach cooking lessons to people of all ages and it can be something that you enjoy on your own or that you enjoy with friends or with your partner. So they are very real. I loved watching their relationship dynamics. They really do complement one another in a lot of ways and they share some great ways that you can connect over food and cooking, which is something that we all need. So I thought this was a lot of fun. And you'll also get just some great cooking tips for the holidays. And I did something different over Thanksgiving because of this interview, so perhaps you'll gain something as well. I hope you like it. I hope you'll share it. And thanks again for being here. Welcome, Chef Raf and Toni. It's great to have you.

[02:41] Toni: Hi, Karin.

[02:41] Chef Raf: It's good to be here. Thank you, Karin.

[02:43] Karin: This is going to be a little bit of a different episode for me, and I think it's a really timely one given that we're in the middle of the holidays. We're recording this just a couple of days before Thanksgiving and it'll come out shortly after that. So I think this is a great time for people to think about being in the kitchen and what they want to maybe do in the kitchen, especially with their partner. So maybe we can start out with you letting everyone know where you are in the world.

[03:14] Chef Raf: Well, we are currently in Houston, Texas.

[03:18] Toni: And we say that because of his job, we normally move every three, four years.

[03:25] Chef Raf: Yes. This is the longest we've been somewhere. Because I think when the kids get a little bit older, moving becomes a little bit harder.

[03:32] Karin: So you've got little ones.

[03:34] Chef Raf: They're not that little. They're 15 and twelve.

[03:37] Toni: Yeah. If they were still little, it would be easier to move them around with us.

[03:41] Chef Raf: Yes, right.

[03:43] Karin: But they're.

[03:45] Toni: When they get the teenage years, they've got their friends. They feel like they need to build their roots, too.

[03:51] Chef Raf: Yes.

[03:51] Karin: Yeah, I get that. I have got kids around that same age, too. So I hear you. If you could live anywhere, where might that be?

[04:00] Chef Raf: You go first.

[04:03] Toni: Wow, that's a tough one.

[04:05] Karin: Or maybe one of your favorite places that you've said.

[04:09] Chef Raf: Well, Toni can think about it. I will definitely say it. And it's really not that hard, actually. I think the older I get, the more peace I want and the more tranquility I want. So before Houston, we lived in the Caribbean in an island of 13, 14,000 people.

[04:29] Toni: During peak season.

[04:30] Chef Raf: During peak season, yeah, that's like the holiday season. We lived in New York, Philadelphia, Vancouver.

[04:37] Toni: Canada, cities, big city type things, the metropolis. But you're right, as we get know, it's a time that you focus on your family. And that's what happened when we were living in the Caribbean. There's really nothing to do but go to the beach. And if you play your cards right, you spend time with your family.

[04:57] Chef Raf: Yeah, there's no fast food, there's no chain restaurants, there's no movie theaters, there's no malls. There's no, there's. Again, it's just a really nice way to spend time with the ones you love in a beautiful place. And you can never use the excuse. I'm busy. I have an errand to do. There are no errands to do. And looking back at it now, it's peaceful, it's tranquility. People tell me about vacations. Do you want to go to Europe on a tour guide and see 16 sites in two days or lay in the beach somewhere for two weeks? I would probably would rather choose laying the beach for two weeks.

[05:43] Karin: Yeah, it sounds really nice.

[05:46] Chef Raf: Yes, it was really nice.

[05:48] Toni: It was. It came at the right time. When the kids were little, they had a childhood like no other, and we were able to spend time as a family and bond because it was just us. And it's the beautiful scenery.

[06:03] Chef Raf: And it's funny because the kids. One of the intentions was that the kids can grow up like we did. We played with the people's four houses down and didn't have to worry about the time of the day where they are. They're running around without shoes and no T shirt on.

[06:18] Toni: And it being such a small island, everybody knew everyone. And for me, as a mom, moving there, coming from the States, I'd be like, they might get kidnapped. They might get kidnapped. And the locals were telling me, no one's going to want your kids. We've got our own. And they know whose kids.

[06:34] Chef Raf: We know where you.

[06:38] Toni: Kids of. Those are the kids of the chef.

[06:40] Chef Raf: We know where you work. And if we do get lost, we know where to take them. And that was the good thing, obviously, Toni said it's a small island, so that can be good and bad. If you do bad things, everybody knows about it, but if you do good, know. So again, I would choose the Caribbean. And what would Toni choose?

[07:00] Toni: Of all the places we live? Yeah. You know, you're probably. There's so many pros about living in the Caribbean.

[07:07] Chef Raf: I would say again, if I can choose the Caribbean or somewhere close to family. I think also, we live in Houston right now, and obviously we don't have any family around. They're either in Miami or in the.

[07:23] Toni: You know, the downside of being a think we do move, and we've never lived anywhere that our family was there. So for the holidays, we're lucky if we have family visiting kind of thing.

[07:34] Chef Raf: So, again, that's probably, again, the older you get, the more you want family around.

[07:38] Toni: However, that has forced us to really stick to each other. And we'd always tell our kids, we'll never know if Daddy gets another position somewhere else. Friends will come and go, but it's the four of us. It's the four of us through and through. So that's what we try to ingrain in them, because it's always a possibility that he would be transferred somewhere else.

[07:59] Chef Raf: And the good thing about, especially our daughter, it's that she's made friends that are still with her after years, and she's only 15, which is, again, a good friend will be a good friend no matter where you. Hmm.

[08:13] Karin: Those are different, kind of. So I know, Chef Raff, that you are a. A. Currently at a hotel.

[08:28] Chef Raf: I'm a chef at a hotel, executive chef at a hotel in Houston. And I've been an executive chef for about 1518 years.

[08:38] Karin: And you also do some other work. So what is that?

[08:44] Chef Raf: Well, a couple of years ago, during COVID obviously, it took everybody for a whirlwind. It was a time that I didn't have a job for about six months, seven months, and I was home after the first two weeks. It's exciting. The first weeks are exciting, but then after that, you got to realize, what are you going to do for the next six months? So Toni was teaching virtual classes, children virtual classes. And she said, why don't you give it a try? And I said, oh, I don't know about know. I deal with adults and we yell. It's a little tense in the kitchen, but I'm not doing anything. Let me try it. And I will have to say those six months that she encouraged me to, that was unbelievable.

[09:31] Toni: Explain why.

[09:32] Chef Raf: Explain why. Because you see people you're teaching kids from and not easy things, but you see them improve every day. They did 30 classes with me from the first to the last. It's constant improvements. Their mothers are involved and they see the improvement. The dad's involved, they see the improvement. So that's what I liked it. And I always tell people, it's funny how an eight and ten year old want to improve. And then I have cooks at work that are 30 and 40 and don't want to improve. And that was what took me. It was absolute pleasure teaching kids. And they wanted to prep and they wanted to do grocery shopping. And, Mom, I'm not going to help you because you don't prep like Chef Ralph. I'm going to help you only if we do the missing plus. And then obviously, once the parents see the improvements and the progression and development, they get excited, too. And that was during COVID And then we realized something. I can get another job. But what's wrong? I think we should keep on doing this.

[10:36] Karin: It sounds really rewarding when you have eager students who want to learn and actually do the things that you recommend that they do.

[10:47] Chef Raf: Yeah. And it wasn't easy. It wasn't like making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And I think that's what helped out when the moms looked at the resume and looked at the experiences, okay, this probably is a serious person. It's not.

[10:59] Toni: And that's what they did say. One of our students to this day, she would tell the story of the first class ever. And the feedback this little kid gave her mom was like, oh, mom, he's so intense. But the mom would say, like, well, you don't need any cutesy kind of teacher teaching you all these cupcakes and stuff, it's time to move up.

[11:22] Chef Raf: But I think the intensity, it's almost like as long as you're learning something and you see a beautiful product and the final product is worth it, then it's okay. And I think that's what they liked.

[11:33] Toni: About it, especially when we were reading the reviews. You never really know how they do after the camera closes, after the class is done, and then you see the reviews come in, and then that's when we both realizE, hey, you have something here. You've really changed these kids. And I think that's what kept it going. Yeah, I was inspired reading it, and I wasn't even the one teaching. I'm like, this is so amazing. It was kind of life changing.

[12:01] Chef Raf: No, I get it. And it was all during COVID So whatever I taught, that's what Toni and the kids ate. So if I did a breakfast class at 08:00 in the morning, that's what they ate. And if I had a lunch class at noon, that's what she had for lunch. And if I had a dinner class for it was a. Everybody was involved. Even the kids were saying, what class do you have today? And I would say, the class, okay, good. I like to eat that. You know what mean. Or okay, good, we can plan that. Or Toni would say, let's give it to the neighbors. You've done that way too much lately.

[12:33] Toni: Because there were classes that weren't quite popular, and he had to teach it over and over. And after, I'm like, all right, no.

[12:38] Karin: More chicken farm for so. So if I can interrupt for just a second. So, Toni, but it sounds like you were teaching online first.

[12:49] Toni: I was. So I was teaching kids English. I was an English teacher for kids in China. So I was always around the camera zoom like this. And then training other online teachers. So when he got laid off, I said, why don't you just give it a shot? We'll do a profile video. And even if we took that maybe 30 times, because he doesn't actually like being on camera, but once he started teaching, he could go on.

[13:21] Karin: Zone.

[13:22] Chef Raf: Yes, I can talk about food.

[13:26] Toni: What do you call that? The zone of genius, let's say.

[13:30] Chef Raf: But again, it's like, I love it. Because, Karin, if I'm teaching you a class, and I think you might make a mistake, because I can see it coming, I can let you know about it before and go, oh, thank you so much. Or I can do it this way. Put that away. And again, I was doing it like I wasn't holding their hand. And I think that's what really took off. And all of these classes, of course the parents are listening to it. That was really good. I learned something, you know what I mean? I didn't know that I learned something.

[14:03] Toni: You also didn't water it down just because they were kids.

[14:05] Chef Raf: Yes.

[14:06] Toni: That's what hooked the parents to it, a grown up.

[14:08] Karin: And I bet the kids appreciated that too. Treating them with some respect.

[14:15] Chef Raf: Yes. And then, of course, they're an adult, they feel good. And it's very rewarding to anybody that cooks. And they start with a raw piece of chicken and then an hour later you got a meal for your whole family. And I think that's the rewarding part about it. And I think for a lot of the parents, and even the ones that we taught the parents after, it's something that they'll always have. Holding a knife, cooking a fried egg, whatever it may be. That is something that if you're twelve years old, you might be doing for the next 70, 80 years. And that's what also, I think it's rewarding because it teaches them organizational skills, development skills. It teaches them other skills that they don't realize that they're learning. Yeah, and I think the parents realize that.

[15:05] Karin: And now it sounds like your audience has maybe shifted.

[15:10] Toni: It has. Because when the world opened up after COVID, these kids went back to playing baseball outside. They went back to their normal activities. And then some of these kids, while they still cooked with us, a lot of them also grew up. So whatever it was, they got into their drama, they got back into their regular activities. But the parents, they were still interested.

[15:37] Chef Raf: Yes, the parents. Again, what also happened during COVID was Doordash, uber Eats and stuff like that. And I think after a while you realize, what are we doing? You know what I mean? It's Uber eats five times a week. It's $70 per time. And what do we just pay for? You know what I mean? You get underwhelmed. It's really nothing special. Maybe it's not even healthy. And I think that's one thing that COVID did bring out was comfort food. But it also brought know. It's nice eating around the table together. It's nice spending time together and having. Maybe cooking. Is that love language or love thing that you say to yourself, this is what's going to be. Cooking is going to bring us together.

[16:22] Toni: And that's what started to happen. It brought back that dinner time ritual for families.

[16:27] Chef Raf: Yes.

[16:28] Toni: And a lot of them. Sometimes the grandparents would be involved with the grandchildren or husbands and wives would do it together with the family. So it became like this time that they would carve out into their family routine. And that's what we like to encourage too, because that's what we do.

[16:47] Karin: Yeah. And now you work quite a bit with couples, is that right?

[16:52] Chef Raf: With adult couples, yeah. Again, these are things that I think are tried and tested, things that we realize that we do and we think, well, maybe other people will also enjoy it. You know what I mean? We've been married 17 years and we still have dates. And I think that's extremely important. Even on a Saturday morning, the kids don't want to get up early because it's the only day they can sleep in a little bit. So Toni and I will leave at 730 in the morning, go to our gourmet market, our trader Joe's, and make a grocery list. And usually Toni tells me on a Thursday night what she wants to eat on a Saturday night and then we'll plan it from there. But it's not just cooking, it's a date night by a date breakfast, I guess you can call it.

[17:41] Toni: And with that, we saw the audience change a little bit. Like the kids were slowly dwindling as they were moving out. And we were surprised in the most recent launch, the ones who were joining were the empty nesters.

[17:55] Chef Raf: Yes.

[17:56] Toni: We always thought that they would be the ones with the teens or whatnot. We still get that. But we were surprised with the majority now being empty nesters because they have the time now. Yes, now they have the time to do what they want and do something together as a couple.

[18:12] Chef Raf: Well, they've always wanted to do, but never had time to.

[18:15] Toni: Now they do. Now they have the resources to do it.

[18:17] Chef Raf: They have the resources. They have the time. It's a way to inviting the kids over or friends, neighbors over. And. Yeah, that's the one thing that we noticed, acTually. It was quick change, actually. And you see the empty nesters that say, I've always wanted to do this, now is the time and now is the time. So we've gone from twelve year olds to a lot older than that. And you see them, it's six months ago, they probably didn't know what anything was at the grocery store. Now they go to the grocery store and they see things they never thought before. They look at ingredients they never thought before. So it's nice.

[18:57] Karin: I love that because I work a lot with empty nesters or people who are about to be empty nesters. And that time period for a lot of people can be really scary. They're, like, going to be alone with my partner. What do we do together? And this provides a semi structured activity for them to do where it's just them and they have some freedom to express themselves and play. Yeah. So I'm curious what you notice with the empty nesters that come your way, what they experience after working with you.

[19:40] Chef Raf: The good thing about our empty nesters, I would say half of them, they're good cooks. They know how to cook. They know quality. They go out to good restaurants. They just want to bring it home. I want to recreate that dish at home. I know that I can do it at home. So those are half of our clients. And then the other half had no idea. They just wanted a passion of learning, but they had no idea. But again, if you show them step by step, the confidence, when you mean.

[20:15] Toni: No idea, you have to.

[20:16] Chef Raf: Oh, they had no idea how to cook.

[20:18] Toni: They were bad cooks.

[20:23] Chef Raf: Yes. For example.

[20:25] Toni: But there is hope.

[20:26] Chef Raf: In six months, we had people that did not know how to cook, and now they're making beef Wellington and their own puff pastry. So again, confidence. How do you go in six months from not knowing much or not ever being able to invite anybody over? Because their cooking is so bad. To making menus now that you're confident to serve your family and your friends.

[20:53] Karin: So I'm curious, are you seeing couples together, or are you seeing one or the other who wants to cook for their partner? Or how does it work?

[21:05] Toni: I guess there is a mix. There is one who, they split the job. One will cook and one will wash the dishes. So it's kind of like a tag team. And then there are also ones that either they're working on a different shift, like one is working a night shift, and then when they find together at home, that's the time when they're going to watch the video lesson and then make that their quality time together.

[21:34] Chef Raf: And also, one thing that we've noticed also, we also do cocktails. We try to create an entire experience.

[21:42] Toni: Or evening, almost like we really want to bring home that restaurant experience, because this is what he does for me here at home. And I always say other people need to have this because it's just amazing. You spend more time at home. You could be barefoot. You don't have to put makeup or heels or pay for valet to go out, get someone to watch the kids or whatnot. But bringing that home is really possible. And it's very romantic that way. You know what I mean, it's special. It's different. It's not your ordinary dinner. Or make that ordinary dinner something special.

[22:22] Karin: How can couples take something that they have to do every day and they might have this association with God. This is something that I've had to do for so many years, but I'd like to make it more fun.

[22:39] Chef Raf: Do it together. Honestly, you do got to do a little bit of planning, but if you plan a little bit at the beginning, it becomes easier every single time.

[22:50] Toni: But even brainstorming of what to eat together, that's what we do. So you're forced to connect at some point. You know what I mean? It's something that we do together. We look forward to this every week. Like, what are we going to make on the weekend that's special?

[23:06] Chef Raf: Yeah. And again, if we say, if Toni tells me I want muscles, then of course she's going to be excited about it. But we're going to be doing it together. And that's the thing. One thing that I say is it's fun and it's really memorable. But I also will say that people don't like the prep and they don't like the cleanup. The cooking sometimes is not that bad. That's when we can come in. And for two people, you don't need to cut a whole onion. For two people, you don't need to have 18 garlic cloves. For two people, you don't need six cups of rice. And I think that once you break it down, it doesn't become a chore. You can say, oh, man. And again, if you only do quarter of an onion, two garlic, what also happens, the cleanup is easier, too.

[23:52] Toni: Even when we do the grocery, we make it into a date. It's not just, okay, let's go to grocery, do what we need to do. We'll go to the nice grocery. We'll go to the Grimma grocery that's in town. And then we'll get a late together. He doesn't drink coffee, but we'll get a late. He'll get a breakfast. And it's something that's early in the morning, it's quiet, and we look forward to it. We're older now, so we like doing that together. It's not always about going out at night, but even those mornings, it's something to look forward.

[24:26] Chef Raf: Those Saturdays, call it our Saturday. And then at night, I will say, I do not like going out on a Saturday night. The clientele is not great. The places are packed. Service is not wonderful. So why not stay home with the ones you love. And invite some friends over if you want. Make a night out of it or a special occasion at home.

[24:49] Toni: Yeah. There's a lot of chance to also connect after a busy week. There's a lot of chances to connect over dinner. So while I don't cook as much, he does a lot of the cooking. I will mix the cocktails. I will set the table. I'm going to light the candles, things like that. I will choose the music. That's if he doesn't have a football on, it's on mute.

[25:10] Chef Raf: Football is on mute. But something else for empty nesters. When we lived in cities that kitchens are tiny, the best time to go out to dinner in a restaurant is Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights. Not everybody goes out. It's not a first date, second date, third date. You're not trying to impress someone. Weekends you want to stay home. You know what I mean? You know what you're going to get. You're not going to be disappOinted. You play your own music. It's not going to be crowded with crazy people or anything like that. So again, if you plan it out, you practice it a couple of times, it becomes fun.

[25:52] Toni: And he always says that cooking is work. There's no denying that there is work involved in cooking. But he says, if you're down here with me, like, I can talk to you, even if you just hand me the onion, it makes a difference because he knows I'm going to mess up the meal. But if I'm there and I'm mixing the drink together, or even just pour a glass of wine and we'll enjoy it, and I'm sitting at the counter, we're both happy with it. I'm happy that I don't have to do a lot of cooking. And he's happy that he has company.

[26:23] Karin: So a couple of things that I love is that you take some of the parts of this that can feel like drudgery. I think about the planning for me, where you're coming up with ideas for meals for me is probably the hardest part. Figuring out something that everyone's going to like or that we want to eat or that we're not tired of whatever it is. So I love the idea of brainstorming together, and I also love the idea of making that trip to the store a special time for the two of you.

[27:01] Toni: I enjoy that. So simple. And there's something about early morning. The early morning date. Start early. We actually set our alarm.

[27:09] Chef Raf: Yes. And don't go to the grocery store on a Saturday at 02:00 Go at 708:00 there's nobody there.

[27:14] Toni: That's another thing. So we try to beat that brush because Ten 3011 is when everybody comes in with the strollers, with all the kids with their iPads on the shopping cart. We try to avoid that. That's what makes it pleasant, too. You got to choose the right time of the day to actually enjoy that grocery date.

[27:33] Karin: Yeah. Because my husband and I, during the warmer months, we'll go to the farmers market on Saturday mornings. And that's usually our tradition of one of the things that we like to do together. So I can relate to that idea.

[27:48] Chef Raf: Yeah, it's special and it's peaceful. Again, you can just relax, do what you got to do. You talk about it. And again, I will also say that restaurants don't do a lot of dishes that are complicated. It might seem like a way because maybe they make it look pretty. Maybe from the plating, from the plating it looks pretty. But a lot of these meals that you can do at home are less than 30 minutes. You know what I mean? From beginning to end. You can make a great pasta dish, a great steak, a great piece of chicken, a great piece of fish, all in less than 30 minutes. And what you mentioned right now, it's a very common thing. You don't know what to do differently. If you do three different dishes a month, just three, in three months you have nine dishes. In four months you have twelve. And I think start little by little, you know what I mean? I don't want you to do eight dishes a week. You're going to give up. You're going to be miserable.

[28:47] Toni: You're not going to do it again.

[28:48] Chef Raf: You're not going to do it again. But if you do two dishes a month that your husband, or you can say, hey, I like this in the rotation, okay, that's another item we can think about. And then in a couple of months later, you have five, six, eight dishes that you didn't have before.

[29:02] Toni: Also, not everything, he always says, or when we do it, not everything has to be made from scratch. Sometimes I'll buy our favorite cake that's already made, cuts the time for me to have to bring out the kitchenaid. And then we'll customize. Know he has like edible gold to make it like really restaurant style. There are really little hacks that you can do to it. Rip out the little edible gold pieces and it looks really elegant. But meanwhile it's a.

[29:31] Chef Raf: And also, I mean, like what Toni said, a lot of grocery stores have some things already made. If you want to focus on a meat sauce, buy the know grate, the cheese, whatever. Maybe. But again, you don't have to make the pasta. You don't have to make this. Maybe a year later, you want to make your own pasta because you have frozen meat sauce in the freezer. That's the way of looking at it. You know what I mean? If you're going to make on a Sunday, make a gallon of meat sauce. You put them in ten different containers and then you freeze them.

[30:01] Toni: And what makes the brainstorming exciting? I was thinking about what you said, the brainstorming about it. I think what makes it fun for us is always completing the theme. The appetizer or the salad, the starter. If we're going with Italian, we're going to keep it Italian. And then the same with the entree, same with the drink, same with a cocktail. Maybe it's an Americano, or it sounds American, but.

[30:22] Chef Raf: Or Negroni. Or Negroni.

[30:24] Toni: An apparel spritz down to the dessert, down to the digestive. So we'll have, what do you call that? The limoncello. Even down to that. It's fun to plan it that way. That way it doesn't sound like a regular dinner. You're really brainstorming together.

[30:38] Chef Raf: And also once or your favorite, like.

[30:41] Toni: Let'S read that favorite dish that we had. Things like that from a restaurant that brings back memories.

[30:46] Chef Raf: We go to a restaurant, we say, let's reread this at home. It says, let's try to do that.

[30:51] Toni: Yeah. Bring back those memories that you had wherever you were in the world. Try to bring that home.

[30:58] Karin: You had hinted at this earlier, but I'm going to ask this question. What do you do when the two of you butt heads in the kitchen and one of you says, you're not doing this right, and the other one gets upset or doesn't want to help?

[31:12] Chef Raf: Guess what?

[31:13] Karin: Yes, it is.

[31:14] Chef Raf: People love it when we do our videos. They love it.

[31:19] Toni: Yeah, they love it. But yes, when it's us, it gets heated sometimes. It does get really heated.

[31:28] Chef Raf: But the thing is, I just say, trust me on the cooking, because you're saying, do people really? Again, when we taught, she doesn't like chicken parmesan. Doesn't like it. It was my favorite dish growing up. I said, I want to teach this class. Who's going to sign up for it? That was probably the most money I ever made, was on that class again. It's almost like, trust me, I'm going to do this. If you don't like it, that's fine, but you got to try it. And I think, same thing I do in cooking. If you don'T like something, try it, because you probably have never had it done well. So all I say, like, the kids try beets, you don't like it. At least you tried it. You don't like asparagus. Let's make it well, the way it should be, and then tell me about it.

[32:12] Toni: But when it's us in the kitchen, he is pretty straight with it. You're not doing this right. And in 17 years of being married, I can't think in the way that he does. Like he always says, why is your toast not ready? Your eggs are going to get cold. It's like I don't have that mind of a chef where things need to be done at the right time, so it'll all be served to the guests at the same time.

[32:42] Karin: For me, something I struggle with.

[32:45] Chef Raf: Yeah, exactly. She makes a beautiful omelet. I mean, I'm telling you, it went from a five to like a nine, only in about less than a month.

[32:54] Toni: Because I would send him pictures from home. What do you think?

[32:56] Chef Raf: Beautiful omelets. But then, of course, the omelet is done. Beautiful. But then the coffee is not done and the toast is not even in the toaster. That's where you got to think about. Because maybe that beautiful omelet might not be beautiful when you eat it five minutes later.

[33:11] Karin: Yeah, it would make sense then to kind of divide up some of those tasks. It's like, okay, if we're going to be arguing about this, let's maybe trade off or somehow that's why I do the cocktails.

[33:25] Chef Raf: Yes, she makes the cocktails. You can make the coffee and stuff like that. But again, and it's just me trying to help her, probably it is different from thinking about the kitchen and then kitchen at home, but it's about trying to help her be better, I guess you can say. Or just try to give her tips throughout.

[33:45] Toni: Yeah, because I can't depend on him all the time.

[33:50] Karin: And so how can cooking together help a couple's relationship?

[33:55] Toni: I think in a lot of ways, like we said from the prep, if you're planning it to be like a regular thing, and I think it should, because at the end of a busy week, this is what we look forward to. It's like we can't wait for Friday night, Saturday night, because we're going to have whatever it is.

[34:16] Chef Raf: And for me, is I'd rather give than receive. So a great conversation for me on a Thursday would be, what do you want for dinner? And I eat anything. She's sometimes a little bit just pickier than me, but I eat anything. So I just tell you, what do you want? And that's a time for her to say anything she wants.

[34:37] Karin: Yeah.

[34:38] Chef Raf: And Steak Tartar. Okay, let's have steak tartar. Let's have French onion soup. Let's have…

[34:44] Toni: But the question is, how is that going to help?

[34:46] Chef Raf: It helps because you're listening, you're doing something that she wants and not just thinking about yourself. And for me, it's an expression. I can be watching football. I can be ordering pizza. I can be doing nothing, watching a movie. But she's important enough that I want to give her what she wants, and it's what I can do well. I'm not going to sink to her. I'm not going to do a couple of things like that. But for me, it's easy. For me, it's rewarding. And sometimes I eat something and I say it's good. Sometimes she eats something and she says it's amazing because she doesn't. And I think that's the difference. And it's just great to make her something that she wants and that she's looking forward to. And that's what I like to do for her.

[35:44] Karin: Yeah. And I can imagine when people start taking lessons and get better at it, then they can do that for their partner as well, even if they're not a top chef.

[35:56] Chef Raf: Definitely, yes. And again, when you're cooking for two people, four people, eight people, you don't need to be an amazing chef. If you just have the passion for something and the passion to really try to do your best, it comes out really well. I always tell people a grandmother in North Carolina can probably make better blueberry muffins than I can or any pastry chef can. You know what I mean? Because it's made with love, it's made with care. And you don't measure. You just throw everything together and it works out. And I think that's what people need to realize. You're not cooking for 80 people in an hour like most restaurants do. You're cooking for four people in an hour and a half that you love. So it's not a horrible thing.

[36:42] Karin: Yeah. And it sounds like it can be a really fun thing in a way, to spend some quality time together.

[36:52] Toni: And it starts from, if you think about it, from the time you're brainstorming up until you're doing the dishes, it's more than just one day that you're doing this.

[37:03] Chef Raf: Yeah. And then even the next day you're still talking about it. Oh, that was delicious. Thank you so much. I can't wait for next week. So it's something that people might think it's only one day. It's really not.

[37:14] Toni: Yeah.

[37:16] Karin: I love that you said that about that expression of gratitude, because that's something that I always encourage in my couples is to make sure that they express that gratitude. And this is an easy way to do that. An easy reason to do that.

[37:33] Toni: Yeah. And I know what his, the way he likes to hear that is for me to say that it was actually good because I know he's always asking, how does it look, how does it taste? So I know he wants to hear. So I make sure if it's really good, I will tell him it was really good.

[37:50] Chef Raf: Do you know what she used to always say to me? She doesn't say that much anymore. She says, oh, man, it's restaurant quality. I said, well, I hope so. Yeah. But no, for me, it's like we're different when it comes to that. But something that's easy for me and being able to do it to the ones I love, my wife, my children, my family or friends, it's just something that's fun for me to do and I don't mind.

[38:16] Toni: If he's going to do the work, then I'll be there. Then he'll say, I have to do the groceries, I'll go with you. That way it doesn't seem like all the burden is on him and that being a chore because he does do the kitchen inventory because that's his realm, but I won't make him feel like that. It's all yours. My hands are. I'm not doing anything. I'll go with you. We'll make it fun, we'll do something about it. And even all throughout the dinner, it's just lots of time to connect, to talk, and he'll teach me stuff. And it just brings back memories of like, when we were dating because that's how obviously it's what brought us together. It was the love of food. And I was impressed with his cooking, obviously, and just his knowledge of food. So doing that thing that we love together, that brought us together in the first place.

[39:12] Chef Raf: I grew up in a Spanish home cooking, family food. Food is a huge part of everything. And wonderful food can brings people together, conversations together. It's really nice. You can be talking about anything you want around food, but what brings us together is the food even if it's.

[39:34] Toni: A difficult conversation, let's say we had an argument over the week. This forces us to connect, and this is our time, whether we have to talk about it or this is the time over a meal, like with anything. Right. But just that spread out time. Let's just say if you were in a restaurant, how are you going to have that typical conversation, everybody around you, right. And it's limited. You have three minutes and then the bill comes. Is the conversation done? It's still left hanging. But even things like that, you have time and the atmosphere to settle whatever that was.

[40:11] Chef Raf: And I will say what you cook during the week, you don't have to cook on weekends. During the week is fast or faster and weekends maybe a little bit more special. But again, you can still do it. And that's the most important thing. If you want to do it, you.

[40:26] Toni: Can do it and do it together.

[40:28] Karin: And so what kind of tips or ideas do you have for people with the holidays coming up?

[40:37] Chef Raf: This is a great question for everybody. And actually, we talked about it a little while ago was plan it. Plan your menu. Plan your menu, because if you don't plan, it's really not going to come out well. And what we've been telling people, it's easy to come up with a menu, try it out before. We've had a lot of clients that says, oh, I've changed my menu because I tried it out. The vision is not match the, match the final product, or I love it, I'm going to make it. But now I'm more confident of what I can do.

[41:13] Karin: And now you know how long it's going to take as well. Right. When you practice it.

[41:17] Chef Raf: And what they do not know is this, that restaurants for Thanksgiving or Christmas, they don't make the soup the same day. They don't make the sauce the same day. They don't make the gravy the same day.

[41:29] Toni: So that's the number two tip to make ahead.

[41:31] Chef Raf: They probably make the cranberry sauce a week in advance. Cranberry sauce can probably last a year in your not imagine there's everything that you don't have to do that same day so you can enjoy yourself that same day.

[41:47] Toni: Even the Brussels sprouts, right? Brussels sprouts don't do that.

[41:50] Chef Raf: No Brussels sprouts, you can cut them, you can prep them that you cook the day. But mashed potatoes you can do the day before. Stuffing you can do the day before. You can bake Japan pie the day before. So again, those are little ways that you can save time so it's not stressful and everybody's having a good time and you're still cooking.

[42:12] Karin: And I love that you said that you can do the mashed potatoes the day before because that's something I always leave until the last minute and it always makes things throws off timing. So how do you reheat your mashed potatoes?

[42:25] Chef Raf: Two ways. You can do the microwave in intervals of like 30 seconds. Put it on a stove on really low heat, but don't add any more butter or cream to it. Okay. The reason is why? Because the reason why it's hard is because it's cold. Once you warm it up again, it'll come back to its natural beauty of how it was creamy, buttery and delicious.

[42:49] Toni: So if you add more cream, it's just going to make it.

[42:52] Chef Raf: Yes. Looser, more buttery and fatty. But again, the one thing that I tell people also is if you make it in relaxed, peaceful environment the day or two days prior, it's going to taste better because you're not rushed, you're not doing this, you're not doing that, and that's very important. So plan the menu, do your grocery list. And also we'll say we get clients all the time that send us the menu. They over prep. I'm inviting four people. I'm going to order ten pounds of Brussels sprouts. That's a little bit too much. Maybe a pound. A pound and a half is more than you need. Oh, I'm inviting four people. One bunch of asparagus is enough for four people.

[43:33] Toni: It's just a side.

[43:35] Chef Raf: Two pounds of potatoes is enough for four people. And I think that's where people don't. Sometimes they overstress themselves. So, yes, I would say planning and test it out. It's amazing when someone does something for the second time, how their confidence level increases. Don't want to be a guinea pig on the special holiday.

[43:58] Toni: Yeah. And less anxiety for that day. Hoping that, oh, I hope it works out.

[44:03] Chef Raf: Yes. Or your family might say it's good, but they don't really think it's good. And then, you know, it's not good either. But again, test it. Plan. I think if you don't plan, you're going to fail. And that's the most important thing.

[44:21] Karin: Great tips. Great tips. Well, if there's one thing you'd really like people to walk away with after listening to this conversation, what would it be? Or maybe one each.

[44:35] Toni: I would say make time to cook together at home, you have to eat anyway. So make it something special. And food has been around and has been known to bring people together. People connect over food. They break bread together. Right. So make that something that can be really special and you can do it together. Like I said, from beginning to end, plan it together. It gives you a lot of chances to connect with your partner and make it something special.

[45:13] Chef Raf: And hopefully, if you got kids, they can something that they can do the next when they have kids. For me, it's something that, a phrase that I like to say a lot is. It's the same amount of effort to make something bad than it is to make something good. So why not make it good? Yeah. Your family will notice it, but most important, you will notice it in your heart if you gave it all of it. And it's still the same. The same dishes. If you make it bad, it's going to be the same dishes. If you make it bad, it's the same grocery list. If you make it bad, it's the same pots and pans. So why not just focus, you know what I mean? Try to get the best thing for your family. You know what I mean? And I think something that people don't do enough of, they cook for themselves. And I think we need to cook for what they like to eat. You know what I mean? I saw this in a magazine. Well, we don't like that food. I don't care. We're cooking Indian food today. No one likes spicy. It's okay. That's what the recipe says. No. Know your guest. It's funny. We always say in a restaurant, know your guest well at home, you have to know your guest also.

[46:24] Karin: Good point. So what role does love play in the work that you do?

[46:31] Toni: What role does love play in the work that we do?

[46:35] Chef Raf: I wouldn't put this much effort if I didn't love the people that I was cooking for.

[46:42] Toni: You give the background, because he never cooked as much as he does now. When the kids were little, I had to kind of fend for myself also because he was working late. He was working really late. So by the time he got home, I would already be putting the little kids to bed, and I would have made some sloppy dinner. I would have taken the kids out to eat with me. When we lived in the city, it was easy to either order out or take them out in the stroller, and we would just hop into the restaurants in the neighborhood. That's what we would do. And on the weekends, sometimes we had weekends that we didn't even cook. Maybe just had breakfast at home, but lunch and dinner. We were out. Out and about in the city with the little kids.

[47:28] Chef Raf: Yeah, we want to try everything that was new in the city. And I probably didn't want to cook after I was cooking all week. But again, it's COVID. And I was cooking so much at home, and Toni one time told me, it's amazing. You cook beautiful dishes for the people.

[47:46] Toni: No. Okay, I'll give you the story now.

[47:48] Chef Raf: Yeah, go for it.

[47:49] Toni: I saw press release of him making fresh pasta. Okay. I saw this online, and I said, so fresh pasta for the guests and box pasta for your wife.

[48:06] Karin: Trouble.

[48:09] Toni: I know, right? Even if it was a photo for media and stuff.

[48:14] Chef Raf: But she's 100% correcT. That's not even the pasta. I would make things look beautiful for guests that I don't know, that have never done anything for me. And then I realized that I was giving them leftovers for four days, or I made Bolognese every day for them. And even though it tasted good, it didn't look as good as it could be. And that's an effort that I made during COVID was, well, whatever the guests are going to eat or the kids I'm teaching are going to eat. That's the way my family is going to eat.

[48:42] Toni: And that just continued on, and that.

[48:45] Chef Raf: Still continues on to this day. It bothers me when she grabs a plate that I've made and I think it looks great. And then she wants to take pictures for five minutes of the plate. It's getting cold. You got to eat it now, please. It's not going to be the same flavor. But again, yeah, that's an argument. But again, it's love. And one thing I realized, and she helped me realize it, is, who do I love? And it's like, okay, valid point. And I've made a huge effort to always cook something like, she says, restaurant quality at home.

[49:19] Toni: Because think about it, he's already at the hotel, in the kitchen all day long, and he'll come home and still do what's easy for him to make it easier for me when I don't have the skills that he has. He can whip up something easily, but even if he's exhausted, he'll still do it. And I see that he doesn't have.

[49:42] Chef Raf: To, but it's funny. You don't have to, but it just comes naturally. It's like, funny. I don't want to take my daughter to school, but I'm still going to take her to school. But you don't mind doing that for the people that you're doing it for Daddy. Pick me up at my friend's house. It's 10:00 I get up and I pick her up. And same thing is for Toni or for anybody that's cooking at our home. Eating at our home. Make it as special as you can do it. And that's my artistry.

[50:13] Toni: That's his love language. Obviously. My love language is feeding the tummy. Yeah, I enjoy. Good. Know my mom always says you guys are a perfect match.

[50:25] Karin: So how can people learn more about you and taking classes from you?

[50:31] Chef Raf: Well, a website, chef Rafgonzalez.com. Chef Rafaelgonzalez.com. And it gives you a lot of things that we're doing and that we're launching. Yeah.

[50:43] Toni: Information will be there. The latest thing that we're coming up with is wow worthy 30 Minutes meals, which seems to be like something that our clients want now. We've seen them grow, so we are coming up with this new product for them. 30 Minutes meals. Wow. In 30, we're calling them.

[51:01] Chef Raf: Yeah. And it's going to be like twelve meals. It's a lot going on, but that's what they've been asking for. As you said, it's 30 minutes meals. How can we do a restaurant quality meal in 30 minutes?

[51:13] Toni: Because the truth is, even for us, we can't always cook restaurant style meals. This date, three course thing that we're talking about during the week, because three times a week he has to go to baseball with our son and then I have to pick up our daughter at gymnastics and things like that. So this is why the weekends are really special. That's when we brainstorm on a Thursday and make it happen. So we have that time together as a family altogether, too.

[51:42] Chef Raf: And you can still do though, like we said, like Toni was saying, a 30 minutes meal on a Tuesday night, everybody, perfect chickfila line is more than 30 minutes. You know what I mean? Definitely 30 minutes cooking for your family. Yeah.

[52:02] Toni: Because we're not the only ones who are busy. Our students are busy, too, and they want that restaurant quality meal.

[52:09] Chef Raf: And sometimes they are busy just thinking about it. So once you explain it and you mark it down, give them the recipe and the tips and the tricks, they can see it's more realistic.

[52:24] Karin: Yeah, I bet. Well, thank you both so much for joining me and telling me about your love for food and helping people connect over food as well. So thank you.

[52:37] Chef Raf: You're very welcome.

Outro:

[52:39] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you liked the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm “the Love and Connection coach.” Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.